Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Unimpressed
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.