there’s probably a fee though
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys