Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
welp
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Best table by far