Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My wedding will be open casket.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.