Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?