If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome