There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
sigh
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”