I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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work smarter, not harder
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
2022: I can fix it
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral