If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
What?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.