There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
They say women only use 10% of their anger