employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
lumberjacks will cut a birch
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!