Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
your honor my client chooses dare
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sounds like a bargain
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.