“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP