Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”