One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?