Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I used to be married, but I’m better now
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?