If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
mariah carrie
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Happy thanksgiving!
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.