Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Just parrot things
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.