lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Autocorrect completely socks
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Wednesday
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.