SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.