How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
✌🏽
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me irl
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I bet
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution