[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
What’s so funny?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.