I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.