you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors