Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
B
I have never related to anyone more.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Boating season is upon us.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.