My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
🔦🌙👣
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.