how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.