Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.