Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
You Might Also Like
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.