We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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mathematically impossible
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad