[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.