[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
idk what this dog had been going through but same