[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Growing out my freckles.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…