I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to