I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
You Might Also Like
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I donât want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like âhey how are you today?â And she replies âDoing great, thanks for asking hereâs seven grand.â đ°
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
multitasking lunch
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended đ
I wish other people my age werenât so old.
My 5yo son at a cookout, âWhere are the scrambled eggs?â
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I wish I were this cool đ
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Hotel clerk: Youâre eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-