I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea