The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
This is my emotional support knife.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?