If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.