People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
lost dog
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.