Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Life cycle of cat
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”