Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.