[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*