“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I don’t make the rules sorry
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing