There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Chicago sounds lovely.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
the noise i just made
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.