It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.