We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”