“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
he looks great for his age
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.