Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
You Might Also Like
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The French cow says MEUX…
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!