My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
That took me a moment.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*