CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.